tannished innocent soul

“Lisa,”
“Yes mum,”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was afraid of your reaction mum,”
“You shouldn’t have kept such secret from me dear. Did I ever give you a reason not to tell me about it?”
“Remember when I got hit by a speeding bicycle and I told you about it?”
“Yes I remember and I whacked you for it. I did it so you wouldn’t play on the road again. What has this got to do with the other?”
“Everything mum. Everything. Every time something happened to me or my sister or brothers, you would scold us nonstop so I guess when all this happened I couldn’t bring myself to tell u,”
Anna sat there watching her daughter as she explained her traumatic experience. She was so shocked and blood ran through her veins faster than usual. Pain, pity, sorrow, devastation, anger, she couldn’t tell which was much stronger. She just sat there beating herself up about how she had failed to protect her own daughter. It was her duty to protect her from any harm including her. Only thing she could remember is working and working while she left the kids with a caretaker. She had had to hire several of them and although she was a hardworking woman, she missed out on protecting her children.
In the morning she would wake the kids up and have them ready for school. Anyone of them who dragged was lashed out by her. She remembered the many times she had to deal with Lisa in the morning. She liked sleeping and almost every morning she scolded her. Now she understood why Lisa dint talk to her at all.
This was like a nightmare to her. She remembered the day well as it was yesterday. That dreadful day she was home as it was on a weekend. Lisa was 5years old and young as she was, she was energetic, lively and most of all shy and happy but after that day, she didn’t see the glowing little girl anymore.
The kids took turns in delivering food to workers at the farm which was approximately 10km from home. That day, it was Lisa’s turn. They were always excited since at the farm they would get to eat some sugarcane and sneak them back home for the rest. Time came and young Lisa hopped with excitement to deliver the merchandise. The food was packed in lunch boxes and the aroma was welcoming. In a kiondo they were packed carefully and on her back she carried.
She loved singing and was a soloist in her Sunday school. She used to lead the junior youth in her church during mass ceremonies. Hers was the most beautiful voice that everyone in her area knew and to date, those who remember, still ask Anna where ‘the singing girl’ went. At school she was a scout girl and she led the whole school with the national anthem and later she became the scout commander. Moreover, she was part of the drama club and she danced to her soul. At the field she and her two friends Mary and Cate, were among the pros in jumping hoops, athletics, and football, sneaking out of school to go swimming in the river full of crocodiles and many things and most of all they were experts at dribbling the ball.
Several are the times Anna caught them and even with all the punishments, they wouldn’t stop. In noise making, they were always in the list and Anna would get really angry and punish them more. Anna was a teacher and when she thought that separating Lisa from her friends was best, she sent her to boarding school.
The 5year old Lisa hit the road singing at the top of her voice and beautiful as it was, no one was around to listen to it only the birds and other animals around. At that time, the area was as open as there were few settlers around and houses were scattered. It was so beautiful you could see giraffes, zebras, antelopes, elephants and hear the hyenas laughing. The wild animals from a nearby mountain lived among people without harming them. As she walked, she marveled at the beauty of nature and the green pastures.
A kilometer or so away from home, she spotted cows grazing, she didn’t feel safe about this and when she looked back, she could see her home and wished she could go back but the thought of her mum’s reaction was so frightening she had to proceed. Gathering all her courage she moved forward and stopped singing. Looking around, no one was around and the closest house was mirages away.
The closer she got the more scared she got. That wasn’t the worst of all, the man who had the cows or should I say, the boy had a huge dog and she was terrified of the dogs. The boy was older than her, say, 11 or 12 years. He was leading the herd and when she got close enough,
“Young girl, would you stop and let the cows pass,” he ordered her
“Okay,” she said in a tiny scared voice
She stood there as all the cows passed and all the time, her eyes were fixed on the dog.
“Now come here and sit down here with me,” he was so cruel
“No I have to take this food to the farm,” she was so scared of the scolding she would get from her mother
“I said come and sit here with me, it will only take a minute and you can go,” he tried to be soft but he still scared her
“How about I rush there, leave the deliver the food and I will meet you back here,” she tried to find her way out.
“You are going nowhere and if you try to run, I will release the dog,” he had found her weakness
Like a sheep, she obeyed and sat a safe distance from him
“Come closer,” he ordered
“I have sat down. Can I go now?” she asked
“Not yet,”
“What do you want from me?” she was getting late
“I want to sleep with you” he was blunt and to the point
“No you can’t. I won’t do that,” she got the courage
She wasn’t just a young girl; she already knew that sex was impure and that her innocence was the most precious thing in her. At her age, she wanted to save herself for marriage or serve GOD as a nun and no one was going to take that away from her even her own father. She made an attempt to run but he stood too and tried to have the dog attack her. On seeing that, she sat down so quickly and hard she hurt her back. She tried really hard to reason with him but seemed like the boy was going to stop at nothing.
“Now lie down or I will let loose the dog,” he ordered her
Tears ran through her and prayed for someone to at least come and save her, there were no one only the cows, her attacker and the dog. She did as she was told and the boy roughly tore her pants down, forced her to touch his penis and even put it in her mouth. She was so disgusted about it and for once found her voice which didn’t help as the wind blew it up.
She lay on the green grass and the hard ground as her attacker tried to penetrate her. She screamed with terror as he tried to break through her tiny vagina and blood all over. When she asked about it, he said that the dog did it not him. When he seemed to have had enough, she let her go with a warning. While she rose, the pain was too much for her and her pretty yellow dress was ruined with blood from waist down. It was her favorite dress. She couldn’t walk properly and still crying took the kiondo and headed to the farm without looking back.
She knew her mother would scold her for ruining the dress and taking the food cold to the workers. Worse was the reaction her mother would have when she told her that she was raped. She thought her mother would think she was joking around and that she was having GOD knows what with other boys. In short, she wouldn’t believe her.
When she got closer, she could see the farm and the workers from an upper ground. Where she stood was a church on her left with beautiful red flowers and her mind got to working. She smeared the juice from the red flowers to her dress and headed for the farm. Back home she sneaked in, changed her dress and soaked it so by the time the house help noticed, she was halfway washing it.
“You were out playing again?”
“Yes aunty, I was playing with the flowers at the church,”
“Flowers? That looks like blood Lisa,”
“No aunty, it’s the juice from the flowers,” she was still shaking from the incidence and worse from the idea that someone would notice and tell her mother.
“Okay Lisa. Now I will take it from there. Go in before your mother finds you washing and realizes you were out playing”
The house helps loved her because she helped around the house. She was always there watching and learning from them and that day, if her mother had taken interest in knowing why she had changed and why her dress was wet in the hanging line, she would have saved her a lifetime of agony.
“Lisa, why did you arrive at the farm late?”
“Am sorry mother,” was all she could say
“How many times have I warned you about this kind of behavior? “
She whacked her severally and sent her to go sleep without food. She didn’t even watch her to see her walking style was odd. Lisa did her best to walk normal but the pain between her legs was unbearable. That evening as it was routine, her father came asked what had happened and Lisa was whacked again.one of the farm worker sold her out for delivering the food late and cold.
Today Lisa doesn’t really recall what happened after that but what he knows is that, at 5, her sexual hormones were awakened and knew no way of controlling them. From that day, she dreamt of the nastiest things in this world; she did nasty things and encouraged nasty things to be done to her. She remembered dreaming about the pleasure she would get if she let a he goat penetrate her, she tried sleeping with her siblings and even the house helps. She let older guys touch her and even try to penetrate her but even with all that, it was painful and the urge grew stronger.
Though she tried everything, from molding penis like shapes and trying to insert herself to allowing her brothers play with her vagina. She only got worse until one day; her own father started putting his finger in her vagina. He would call the three of them in his room and since she was the smallest, he would put her in his lap. She would feel him hard and later he would put his finger in her vagina and ask her if it felt good. At times she would make her lick his finger.
It did feel good and a lot painful. She would try to fight him but he was strong for her. At one time she would scream for her mother but all she said was to lower her voice. At that point, her father would carry her to bed and she and her sister would do wonders. Her sister too had her share of their father’s habit. It became an almost each day routine until she was 12 years old.
She recalls when her titties started growing, her dad would touch them and she would feel things in her loins that made her ache with the urge to have something penetrated in her. At that time, she had started to learn that what she was allowing to be done to her was wrong and so she she started to pull away from her father. She couldn’t hug him or sit in his lap but once in a while, he would overpower her. Even after all this, she loved her father very much and he got affected when she no longer entertained being close to him. It made her feel disgusted but she will never hear him apologize or even have him explain why he ruined her life in that manner or even know how he felt when she pulled away. Did he regret it? Was he sorry? Etc.
At 13, she was transferred to school far from home and learnt a lot more about life. Anna listened as she narrated and the more she got into it, the more she realized she could have seen the signs. That day, as she recalled, Lisa didn’t sing anymore apart from when she was in church, her glow disappeared and her energetic self-became more vigor and focused into something. All that time, the something was her sexual drive. Anna tried fighting the tears but the pain was too much to bear.
“Almost 15years Lisa and you had to bear all that without telling anyone?”
“There was nothing to tell mum. I can’t even remember the face of the person who did this,”
The truth is, the only thing she could remember was the smile the boy was having all through and the pain she felt.
Anna was lost with words and felt her daughter’s pain. There was nothing she could do as her husband was already dead. So she couldn’t scold him or do anything to him. Sorry couldn’t ease her daughter’s pain so she felt helpless.
All she did was ask her to go the hospital and see if there was any damage done to her but Lisa dismissed the thought since it has been more than 15years and even if there was a lot of blood, the boy wasn’t able to penetrate her.
Today she seeks to find love. She is tired of trying to quench her sexual desires. Her relationship with guys end up when she no longer feels sexually connected to them she hasn’t had many of them. She has always held her head high and her first penetration was when she joined campus. That was also her first time to be kissed. For a girl who has had to fight this desire, she has had her pride and dignity to thank for.
She believes that one day; she will find that sweet little innocent girl again. She looks forward to that one person or rather a guy who would make her feel innocent again. She believes that her innocent would come back and she would the feel joy of being a virgin and having her virginity broken by her prince charming. It sounds lame and movie like but she truly believes in unique love, like the beauty and the beast, the prince and the farm girl or the girl from the poor village, the scared gay guy and another gay guy (Kurt and Blaine Anderson in the series glee) etc. even though they are characters, she knows they are real out there.
She awaits her unique love. She is real.
This happened in mid-nineties. If you were Anna, what would you have done? What do you think of Lisa? And if you were Lisa, would you have survived this alone?
ARE YOU A LISA?